Self-care mugs, self-care gifts for every occasion, self-care T-shirts, self-care chocolate. Self-care has become a buzz word and unfortunately it is a huge loads of b*******. Here’s to clarify what looking after yourself actually means and to those who are trying to save money – yes, all these things are for free. The caveat is though, you have to be determined and commit yourself to the process.
1/ Self-care is setting boundaries.
You can buy all the products that can aid you in looking after yourself, but none of these will set up boundaries for you. Alexa can be smart; however, her powers are limited. If you are running like a headless chicken to support others in their issues, whilst completely neglecting your needs then sorry, but scented candles won’t do the trick.
You need to start bringing awareness into your relationships and notice how other people make you feel, not only how you are impacting your friends. Being the one who saves the day, might make you feel great in the short-term, but do you really want to limit your identity to exist in the roles that only include creating support for individuals? Maybe you are unnecessarily putting boundaries for yourself and working within the realm of being the ‘rescuer’ can be hurting you in the long run. Place some new principles in your relationships and after few weeks check-in with yourself. If your confidence did not go up, then you can write a complaint to me, but I can assure you, if you do it right, you will feel like a whole new person.
2/ ‘No is a complete sentence’.
I used to facilitate a therapeutic group for people who survived domestic violence and one of the members said the sentence above, which then became a symbol, for others within that community, of being assertive. You do not have to explain yourself, over justify or create reasons to say ‘NO’.
How do you feel when you are assertive? Does it sound cold? Is it harsh? Why, then? Is being a ‘YES’ person part of your childhood conditioning? Is it how the ‘adult’ you wants to show up in the world? Or maybe it is a ‘child’ part of you that feels the need to constantly please others at your expense? These are all tough questions, nonetheless essential for you to answer, if you want to properly practice self-care.
3/ Practice over theory and free ‘hard work’ vs expensive ‘shortcuts’.
Reading books on recovery and self-development can be hugely useful, however, if you do that within the comforts of your safe space without stretching yourself beyond it, then you will not grow. What do I mean? If your mother in deeply triggering for you, maybe it is time to practice the theory of regulating your emotions as well as awareness by having a conversation with her and being able to observe yourself without being reactive. Difficult? Yes, it has to be for you to outgrow your ‘old’ self.
Buying a lovely bracelet with crystals will not make you say ‘No’, when you usually say ‘Yes’. None of the gadgets will work, if you will not choose the discomfort of being assertive to take care of yourself over being a people pleaser. The art of self-care is built on everyday efforts to make different, less comfortable choices that come from a place of awareness, thus careful observation of your self. There are no shortcuts that you can buy, it is YOU that needs to consciously decide about your own path of looking after yourself.
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